I seem to swing from always blogging about resources, or always about the wider world of maths or always about teaching ideas … I need to get a balance! I suppose the same could be said about my work-life thing-a-me-jig! In the absence of not posting my usual mid week blog post on Wednesday (I was interviewing for a new parish clerk in the village … oh no! I haven’t applied for something else to do, but was part of the interview panel and it was a late finish!) and having just come back in from seeing some friends (I do have some I promise!) I’m going to post about something that’s been bothering me for a while and just want to get it off my chest!
I love my job! I am just a second in department (I do look after one to ones across the whole school too!) and that’s what is mithering me … why do I feel the need to quantify my role as 2ic Maths by adding the whole school thing? As most of you will know “I’ve been around” and by that I mean I’ve had other jobs – quite good ones too (see! I’ve done it again!). I used to be considered by others as very ambitious. If I’m being brutally honest I would have agreed with this – I didn’t particularly like the person I was becoming and in hindsight I think I was driven by a desire for money and position. Over the last two years I’ve swung from wanting to move onwards and upwards to wanting nothing to change, and back again. However recently I’ve been thinking more and more about “what I want to be when I grow up” and I just don’t know. There is a part of me, probably due to my past that makes me feel, that I must (its not optional) want to look for promotion and then there is another part of me that pipes up and says “you just don’t need the hassle, and Mel, you have nothing to prove”.
Since coming into teaching I’ve learnt a lot about myself (I don’t think its a case of cause and effect – there have been lots of other factors too!) but still haven’t nailed this niggling I have about why I sometimes feel the need to want to progress up the career ladder and then at other times I really (no really!) couldn’t give a toss as I am genuinely happy with what I do. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that I change my mind daily, but it seems to be more like a swingometer thing going on. What would I get from a new job or promotion that I don’t have now? Maybe I’m just lucky that I am being constantly challenged and haven’t had the opportunity to get bored, or maybe its been a case of the “right job worth applying for” hasn’t yet come up at the same time as one of my more ambitious periods.
Actually I think that last statement is the key. I have always felt that there is no decision to be made when applying for jobs until a job offer is made – up until that point, the ball isn’t in your court. I know that in order to get to the point of having to make a decision I’d have to apply for something but I haven’t seen anything worth applying for and right now I’m in one of my “I’m happy as a Second in Department phases”. I have nothing to prove – to no one but myself and I know I am a bloody good second in department. In 5 years I don’t think I’ve stood still in terms of my career and there are several potential things in the pipeline … but I don’t need to be a head of department to get involved and influence these. Its all very exciting!
I’ve just had a “eureka” moment about this blog and how therapeutic it is to get my thoughts written down. It really helps and I know I should be proud of my achievements, I am lucky to have a job I enjoy – we have a great deal of trust given to us as a department to do the “right thing” and I need to start trusting myself to do the same. One of the biggest things I must keep telling myself when I meet someone who seems to take it as a snub that they are dealing with “just a second in department” is that we are not defined by what we do – a job title is not the person – we are defined by our interactions with others and by the impact we make on them. Since we started to get 1000’s of hits a day on this blog (I still cant believe people read this shiz!) I’ve been thinking that I need to be a bit guarded about stuff – especially when I started meeting people in real life who I’d met through them reading the blog or on twitter – it just felt a bit odd that they would know so much about me, and I knew very little about them! Oh bugger! I’ve just broken that rule!